My friends and I went to the Arizona State Fair to ride the gigantic ferris wheel and some other ride than squished my manly bits and made me black out for a split second. After that we decided to go pet the animals in the indoor arenas.
Walking in there was like walking into my childhood. It smelled like cows and pigs and other livestock. It reminded me of branding season, and prairie oysters all my favourite rodeos from Airdrie to Wetaskiwin and Caroline to Wainwright. It made me want to two step and drink terrible, lukewarm beer. Everyone wore cowboy hats and cowboy boots and chewed tobacco (I haven’t had chewing tobacco in over 15 months by the way). We pet the sheared sheep and the sleeping pigs. The cows with utters filled weren’t much for conversation and ignored our excited antics.
My friends grew up in the city. Farm animals are somewhat of a novelty to them. In fairness, after a few years of being away from any sort of ranch, they’re somewhat of a novelty to me too. But I quickly got bored and went looking for a seat. I found the last two seats on some bleachers where the 4-H auction was going on. Some little blonde girl of 8 years old in wranglers and canvas shirt struggled to wrestle her prize winning goat into a display position while the auctioneer blared nonesense over a very loud speaker. The auction begun.
I hadn’t seen my friends in quite a while and I had reserved some seats for them thinking that they’d be coming in at any minute. Then I noticed the very distinctive haircut of my roommate as he entered the auction house. He was looking for me too, so I waved for him to see me.
“SIX-HUNDRED DOLLARS to the man in grey! To the man in grey SIX-HUNDRED dollars for this prize winning goat!” The auctioneer bellowed and pointed to me.
I looked at the auctioneer with eyes wide and my hand still in the air. I looked at my shirt. Grey. I looked at the auction spotters too. The one with the black cowboy hat made eye contact with me and a very noticable head nod to me as if to say, “I got your bid. Much obliged.”
‘Son of a bitch,’ I thought, ‘what the hell am I going to do with a goat?’ The little girl still struggling with the goat smiled at me with a very large grin. Her mother who was standing behind her smiled at me too—the mother was gorgeous. For a second I forgot that I had just bid six-hundred dollars on a goat. SIX-HUNDRED DOLLARS! For a used goat!
The auctioneer went on for what seemed like an eternity repeating my bid over and over. “Do I hear seven-hundred? Six-fifty?” he pleaded. “Ladies and Gentlemen you wont find a finer goat anywhere in the world. Do I hear Six-fifty?” The kid, the little girl, and the very nice looking mom kept looking at me and smiling. ‘Awe hell, I can’t even run. They know what I look like.’
I resigned myself to sharing my very small bed with this wiry goat. ‘Well, I’m going to have to get it a collar. I don’t even like milk, let alone goat milk. Do I have to milk this thing too?’ Do I hear six-fifty? ‘I really wish that little girl would quit looking at me like I’m her hero. Of course I’m her hero, I’m buying her damned goat for $600. I could have won one of those gigantic, stuffed Scooby Doos at the tent across from the Tilt-a-Whirl for that.’ Going once… ‘Who else does this happen to?’ Going twice… ‘Oh god.’ I buried my face in my hands.
“Eight hundred” A man yelled his bid from the back. I immediately felt the muscles in my back release as I had just been let off the hook from buying an overpriced goat I didn’t want in the first place. Then I suddenly felt sad. In the previous twenty seconds—what seemed like an hour—I had grown somewhat fond of the goat. As the auctioneer moved on to bigger bids I watched the memories that were not yet made vanish. ‘What am I going to do now? That guy just stole my goat!’ The pretty lady was no longer ogling me, either. ‘This is bull.’ For a tenth of a second, I actually considered bidding for the goat again. Reason got the better of me.
I put my hands in my pockets and stood up and walked away from the auction house. By far, that was the best rollercoaster at the state fair.
